My Unbroken Heart
Posted on September 26, 2007
Filed Under Uncategorized, Ministry, Responsibility, Faith, Community |
Yesterday we had an all-staff meeting in which my pastor, the Jazz Theologian himself, asked us to share with one another what broke our hearts, moved us to tears, and better yet, action. As I listened to my co-workers, fellow laborers in Christ, talk teary-eyed about homelessness, foster children, domestic abuse, and teen-aged pregnancy, I became more and more anxious about when it would be my turn to speak. I found myself excavating my heart for any signs of brokenness. Shoot . . . tenderness would have even sufficed. When, finally, “I have a confession to make,” I say. “It’s been a while since I’ve allowed my heart to be broken . . . and to stay broken.” It’s my truth.
Not that I’m an uncaring, unfeeling, or unmoved person by any means . . . find me on the mission fields of Peru or S. Africa and you’ll find me moved to actions that I didn’t think I’d ever take. Or, tell me a story of hope lost and I’ll do my best to plant seeds of future there. Or, is someone in the hospital getting chemo again? Where are they? I’m on my way. And my eyes, like everyone’s else, can’t help but weep at the evening news where you’re informed about 3-year-old Niveah Gallegos being found murdered in a dumpster . . . But to be moved to brokenness in such a way that my response to it is daily, my purpose or non-profit worthy, well, no . . .
I have at least an idea of why I am where I am in this . . . at least for this season. My job, my purpose in my church, my family, is to lead worship; to invite people into the presence of God through music and to model how that’s done before them. I can only do that out of the personal, intimate, one-on-one time that I spend with Him. Of that well spring, I can pour out. I’ve found the requirements to do what I know I’m called to do can be pretty solitaire, protected, and isolated in nature, and that they must be practiced daily if I’m going to be able to achieve any level of sincere transparency. Spending time in the trenches just isn’t high on my list of priorities, at least in my limited outlook, and I’ve relegated those forms of ministry (feeding the homeless, tutoring underprivileged kids, prison outreach) to others. I’ve become selfish and greedy for my time alone with God . . . an exact opposite of Jesus’ model while here. Yes, he retreated to aloneness with God, only to return to the masses and be moved by compassion into action; healing, feeding, freeing. Crap.
What breaks your heart?
Robert’s question haunted me for the rest of the day. (As did an extra disturbing dream I’d had the night before . . . but that’s a story for another blog and a matter requiring holy water . . . if I believed in that sort of thing.)
James 1:27
Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.
Not that I want to be “religious” but I do want to practice religion, at least as its described in James above. I want my heart to be broken over the things that break God’s heart. . . after all, God is close to the broken-hearted, and being close to God is really what I desire, what I need.
So here I am, inviting the conversation . . . Lord, what would have you to break my heart? Admittedly, I’m afraid of His answer. It might mean another 36-hour plane ride to Africa, or an ever-Tuesday night tutoring session . . . sigh.
So, I figure . . . why should I be alone in this new discovery, right? I mean, if I’m doing some soul searching, shouldn’t you be too? And so I ask you, what breaks your heart?
Peace and Blessings,
Nicole Walters
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Wow, Nicole, your thoughts and words really touched off a soul searching for me. That’s a good thing.
I had already written next weeks’ devotional for our church cuz we’re headed for Baton Rouge this week end to see our grandson and watch his LSU Tigers bid the Gators adieu. However, your article spawned a new devotional that I’ll post on Monday instead. Thanks Nicole this was a great thought provoking work that richly blessed my morning. Love and hugs to you dear heart and Ry is doing spectacular – such fun watching him. He’s got a big following at our house.