Past Issue July, Friendships

Posted on September 4, 2007
Filed Under Past Issues, Friendship |

Fabulous Friendships!

Posted on July 18, 2007
Filed Under Friendship |

Keep smilin’ keep shinin’
Knowing you can always count on me for sure
That’s what friends are for
For good times and bad times
I’ll be on your side forever more
That’s what friends are for

- Carole Bayer Sager

Remember that? Stevie Wonder, Gladys Knight, Dionne Warwick and Elton John . . . all smiling and swaying for the cameras and singing the virtues of friendship. Gotta wonder if they are still singing the same tune. Friends. Yep, you guess it! Finally, this issue of My Goodness Magazine is all about . . . GIRLFRIENDS!!! (I know, I know. It’s about time!)

We celebrate, contemplate, appreciate, and negotiate the sometimes joyful sometimes painful presence of the friends in our lives. In the Fill Your Spirit section, I offer a rather candid discussion about a difficult season I’m in with regards to a friendship in my article, Hands Wide Open. And, remember people, I said candid! Monique takes us on a walk that ends directly at the heart and soul female friendships in her article Unwrapping the Gift found within the pages of Free Your Mind section. You don’t want to miss this one, it’s beautiful! Oh, we are more than excited to introduce you to, as she is known in poetry circles, Sho‚ Nuff through her dynamic, honest and “it’s getting a little tight in here” poem, A Letter to a Friend, on the Feed Your Soul page. And, I can’t tell you how much fun this really was, for our interview this issue . . . Monique and I interview one another about the ins and outs of our 27-year-old best-friendship on the Find Your Flow page. She so crazy! Lastly, once again Pastor Sylvia Penny graces us with her wisdom and insights into the beautiful thing friendship can be in her article, Friendship, God Style on the Follow Your Heart page.

So come on in and make a friend, be a friend and bring a friend. We can’t wait to hear from you!

Peace and Blessings,

Nicole Walters for My Goodness Magazine

Unwrapping the Gift by Monique Ruffin-James

Monique is amazed by life and its surprises; praying for grace and self forgiveness; learning to care for herself better; more willing to let go when she can’t change conditions; growing from it all. Thank God!

I think I take it for granted; having friends. Yes, I’m grateful for my friends, each and every one of them. I can’t imagine life without them, until I meet people who don’t have them to rely on, trust in and find refuge within. When I encounter someone who shares how difficult it is for them to open up to people, or someone who is emotionally unavailable in the way friendship often requires, I’m reminded that friendship may come naturally to some of us but not to all, and that friends are a gift.

Friendship between women is such a unique and special relationship. Our friendships are often tribal and soulful, we just seem to gather in a way men do not. We naturally come together in support and nurturing in a way that differs from men. We have a way of relating to one another that promotes sisterhood, understanding, compassion and love . . . And well men, as wonderful as they are, men don’t have the unique thing that creates friendships the way women do. I’ve witnessed it in different cultures, women gathering simply to spend time together. In many ways we feed from one another. In the African and Asian cultures the women come together to work, but during that time they are talking, assisting and coaching one another in the ways and wisdom of life. Dr. Louann Brisendine in her book The Female Brain has done research proving we are wired to behave the way we do. Dr. Louann suggests that we are chemically predisposed toward being communicators and easily empathetic, two very important components of friendship.

What kind of friend would you say you are? We are not the same with every friend, and we shouldn’t expect to be. Life circumstances sometimes dictate the rhythm of our relationships. We may have a friend we love shopping with and another with whom we cook. And there may be one particular friend we call in times of despair to pray with who showers us with love and compassion. There are the friends we see every day, and friends we rarely see but it feels like just yesterday. The only thing constant in our friendships is ‘you’, and how you show up. Everyone has different strengths, weaknesses and gifts; this is what we bring to our friendships.

One of the greatest gifts of friendship is the ability for us to see ourselves within our friends. The old saying birds of a feather flock together is most true as it applies to our friends. We can only attract to us who we are. And I believe our friendships directly correlate with our love for self. Jesus said the greatest command is that we love God with all our heart and soul. He followed this by adding that we love our neighbor as ourselves, and in the 5th chapter of Matthew he goes further to say love our enemies as ourselves. Now, I’m guessing that “friends” exist somewhere between God and the enemy, and the command is to love them as we love ourselves. The question is how do we love ourselves?

There are many things one can do to exhibit self-love. I can make a list of things that look like love. But first, I’m reminded love is an inside job. What is our intention in the actions we take in our lives? What is the feeling behind what we are doing? Do we do things to fit in or prove our worth? Or do we do what makes us feel good and more alive? What are our deepest feelings about ourselves? God created you in his image and likeness, do you go about your day knowing and believing you are created in God’s image, or do you believe that you are lacking in one way or another. Each of these questions may bring you to the reality of the relationship you are having with yourself, which feeds the relationships you are having with others.

Friendship is sacred in that it allows us to practice agreement. “Where two or more are gathered, I am in the midst of you,” says scripture. It is in our friendships that we can hold and contain one another’s dreams and deepest desires for our lives. Friendship is a container for creativity if we are willing to be transparent. Transparency is a product of self love. In loving ourselves we share ourselves fully without shame or regret. Self love doesn’t mean we are perfect, but it does give the opportunity to accept ourselves as we are, no hiding and no condemnation. Without shame or regret we can reveal our true selves and hearts to our friends, and receive the same. We can stand in agreement and prayer for our deepest and most sacred desires. As friends, we desire and pray for the fulfillment of one another’s dreams. And as friends, we remind one another of God’s goodness when we are loosing patience. When a prayer is answered and a dream fulfilled, we celebrate for our friends as if it is our own dream realized. What is true for one of us must be true for all.

These types of friendships are not easy to come by. Finding a place where we are safe to be ourselves is a blessing. And, it takes work. These types of friendships are so rare because each person must be willing to be responsible for their own stuff . . . because we do have stuff. Friendship can be contaminated with competitiveness, jealousy and envy because it can be difficult to look at ourselves and be responsible for where we need growth. Rather than doing our own inner work, we judge, blame, and ridicule others. The things we don’t like about friends are often the things we aren’t willing to see in ourselves. Friendship can be an experiment for self-examination and growth if we allow it. It’s possible that if we look deep enough, the very behavior we condemn in another we usually find in ourselves – admitting that requires humility and a willingness to give up looking good and being right. As we find and remove the logs in our own eye, we claim freedom for others and ourselves.

Another quality I believe is a direct reflection of self-love and love for others is the courage to speak our truth. There is something so rich in giving and receiving truth spoken in love with friends. And it is not always easy to say what you see or feel to those we call friend. If we have any attachment to being liked or keeping peace (which is understandable, but doesn’t serve growth and wellbeing for anyone) we hesitate to speak truthfully and authentically. How many times have you wanted to share something with a friend, something you believed would assist her towards peace and becoming better in some way, and did not? Maybe your girlfriend complains often or speaks negatively about herself or her job. What if you gently reminded her that her words have power? You could remind her that she has much to be grateful for, even though her job no longer fits her desires. You may even go as far to assist her discovering what she’s good at or what she’d really love do. In times when you said nothing, how did you feel about yourself when you abdicated your responsibility to yourself, which is to be yourself fully, and to your friend, which is to be a true friend? It is not always easy for us to see ourselves clearly. We can sometimes be blinded by feelings of inadequacy, fear or self-loathing.

Our friendships can serve as places where we are called out ‘in love’ if we are not shining our light and living to our fullest potential. Speaking our truth is by no means easy, and we should not do so with the intention to change another’s behavior, but simply to give another perspective. If we are thoughtful, this can always be done with words that heal and uplift, words that are carefully considered to open the space for trust and transformation. And when we say things that hurt, harm, or offend, I’m sorry can be a get out of jail free pass.

I’m eternally grateful for the women who call me friend. I can only pray that I love myself enough so that I can love them back as much. And when I’m not loving, accepting or seeing myself clearly, I pray my friends will lovingly call me to task. I have learned my greatest life lesson from my friends and they continue to come. This is the gift of friendship - love. Included in this are dinner gatherings, spirited conversation and good wine. And, when necessary, we come together with our friends to grieve and share our broken hearts. I have laughed, cried, celebrated and mourned with a friend for every occasion. What we bring to one another is priceless and necessary for our existence. When we chose our friends we are choosing our tribe, the community that will nurture us to being the best person we can be. For this I say thank you to every woman who I call my sister and my friend. You know who you are.

The Honest to Goodness Truth

1 John 4:11
Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.

Friendship is universal and I believe we all know a little something having friends and being a friend. We want to hear how your friendships hold, nurture and encourage you in living your life to the fullest. Tell us about the friend who stayed up all night in the hospital with you and your child, or the friends whose generosity seems infinite. You know the one who gives everything with no expectations of getting anything in return. And don’t forget the stories about difficulties in our friendships, occasions when it may have been more painful than we liked. We’d like to hear how you healed or let go of someone near and dear to you. Our friendships in many ways are love stories, not romantic, but God’s love. It is in our friendships that we experience God’s love come to life. Here at My Goodness Magazine, it’s all God and it’s all good, so feel free to open your heart and share with your community. We’re listening.

Hands Wide Open, by Nicole Walters

Nicole is in CONTSTANT transition, missing her husband who is in Paris at the moment, tired from not sleeping well because of it, and loving, absolutely loving the new thing happening with Dave LeMieux and House of Soul . . . more coming!

Et tu, Brute?

I couldn’t have been more wrong . . . about this issue, I mean. But, how could I have known? It’s not like we’re talking brain surgery here . . . it’s an issue dedicated to friendship for Heaven’s sake. How hard could it be? Turns out, very. I have wrung my hands, wracked my brain, spun my wheels, and dragged my feet over this issue – the very one that I too arrogantly thought would be so easy to write. Friendship. I mean, it’s not like I don’t have friends, right? I’ve got lots of them, and I’m well acquainted with the inherent dynamics of friendships, the ebb and flow. Familiar enough, certainly, to sit before my MacBook and write a few anecdotal stories about what it is to be friend . . . Yeah. Maybe.

But, that’s exactly my present conundrum. See, as I write this article, which I imagined would be rife with Emily Dickinson’s-like prose about the virtues, blessings and benefits of friendship, I’m approaching the near 2-month milestone since I’ve last spoken to a woman I considered one of my closest friends and with whom I spoke almost daily. Who knew? (Actually, I probably should have . . . it seems that with every topic we dare approach in this magazine, God orchestrates our very own personal “test” on it . . . I don’t think we’ll ever write about excessive weight gain. Ever.) Bizarre.

Initially I imaged that this issue would be a tribute of sorts to the friends in our lives, but that’s not really where I am. Instead, I find myself entirely contemplative about the nature of friendship, and if I know how to be and choose a good one. Um . . . where should we start? How about the beginning?

Oh No You Didn’t!

Proverbs 27:6
Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.

See, there was this fight . . . um . . . a pretty heated fight, during which, to quote John Legend “accusations fly like bullets do.” Well, okay. So what? I’ve had those before – no big deal. Except this time days pass between our last, er, conversation and I haven’t heard from her. I’ve written emails and letters, but no response. Which brings me to today, nearly two months later. Wait . . . before you feel like I’m going to use the platform of this magazine as an open letter to an anonymous friend to vent my frustration, place blame or call her out, let me assure I’m not. Instead, as is always our intention, I’m taking this opportunity to invite you into my experience on the topic at hand in My Goodness Magazine, friendship. And, as fate would have it, this is what is presently up for me. So here goes . . .

Rather than focus on the sordid details of the tête-à-tête that ushered in our present stalemate, I’d rather talk about who and where I am in it if you don’t mind. (To all of you looking for gossip, sorry.)

When I first realized the silence going on between my friend and I, I was incredulous . . . I mean, the nerve. However my incredulity was short lived and rather immediately replaced with anger. Anger at what? Well, that took a while to figure out, but once I did the greatest source of my anger was rather surprising and very telling. I wasn’t most angry at being misunderstood, I wasn’t most angry at being accused, I wasn’t most angry (too much) at what was said, I was mostly angry at being unable to control, manipulate or manage the situation. I mean, if I want to talk then, damn it, that’s what we’re going to do. Yeah, not so much, not this time. This is particularly difficult for me because I am, by nature, a leader, influential and outspoken, with people, almost magically even, inclined to my persuasion, but none of that matters with regards to this moment. While that’s hugely inconvenient, it is als, as time has passed, much appreciated. As a disciple of Jesus Christ, I say that I want to live my life open-handed, giving God permission to give to and receive from me what He will. Nothing like having something you once held dear removed from your hand and your control. I’ve had to make this a matter of prayer and reflection, and by doing so, create my own peace. So after days, weeks, tears, prayers and random 3-mile runs, today finds me mostly in surrender. Occasionally, when I’m dealing with the material remnants of our relationship together, the anger threatens to take on a dangerous freshness and I have to, deliberately, move toward forgiveness, but for the most part I’m pretty proud of where I am and who I’ve been in this. Speaking of . . .

Me, Myself and I

I’ve done the inventory and the soul-searching necessary in a situation like this and have come up both wanting (dang, Nicole, did you have to say that?) and free (yes, just maybe not in those exact words!). I don’t mean to paint a sainted picture of myself nor my contribution to our present fall out. I can, if I’m being honest, be harsh with my quick wit, and arrogant in my opinions. My mother used to say that you could tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they anticipate the trip. I am my mother’s daughter . . . when I’ve decided NOT to be crucified with Christ but alive to Nicole that is. This situation is beginning to teach me that while apologizing for a wrong is the way to go, not having anything to apologize for is the more excellent way. I don’t think this is a lesson that I’ll learn in entirety, but one in which I am more attuned now. That said, remaining quiet in my truth is not anything I have ever or will ever aspire to. And, further, if my silence is necessary in the maintenance of a friendship well . . . you can fill in the blank. But still, the truth in love (and not anger, sarcasm, judgment or pride) is my goal, now, and is more prominently before me in the other relationships in my life.

Here’s another insight: once I chose to shift my focus from my friend, I was able to focus on me. What kind of friend am I? Am I patient? Am I kind? Am I available? Am I generous? Am I encouraging? Am I selfless? Am I respectful? Am I rude? Am I stingy? Am I jealous? Am I proud? The answer is: yes, sometimes, depending, maybe and no. And, so are each of my friends, your friends, and you. But what I know with even more conviction now is that within friendship, true friendship, there is room and safety for all of that. And how, given my present predicament, can I possibly make that assertion? Well, my friends.

Closer Than a Brother . . . er, Sister

Ecclesiastes 4:10
If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!

This situation with a woman I love dearly who I have both hurt and been hurt by has landed me on my face (or my rear depending upon the day). But, beautifully, it has been the love of many other women in my life that has lifted me, affirmed me, counseled me, challenged me, and kept me in it all. Go figure. And less I forget that this is a Christian magazine (above expletives included), it has also been the abiding love and, you guessed it, friendship of Jesus Christ that embraces me through whatever slings and arrows life might bring.

John 15:12-14
My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command.

As I’m working though this thing, searching out forgiveness, making peace within myself, embracing grace and believing God’s best, I feel the friendship of Christ within me. What a friend we have in Jesus to be sure, all our sins and griefs to bear, indeed.

Peace and Blessings,

Nicole Walters

Honest to Goodness Truth:

Romans 12:18
If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. (Including yourself . . . my addition.)

Life sometimes presents you challenges . . . keep on breathing and you’ll find that this is true. As I’ve taken the opportunity to be truthful with my present challenge regarding the delicate nuances of friendship, have you ever had a difficult moment that you’d like to share with us? Without going into too much detail, how did it resolve? What did you learn? And, how did you grow? My Goodness Magazine is all about community, and we appreciate your contribution to it, sincerely.

Letter to a Friend by Sho’Nuff

Sho’Nuff is a fire spittin’, hard hittin’, powerful sista with the writtin’ word . . . (hey, not bad for a non-poet, huh?)

Dear some flippin’ friend,

Don’t call me
I don’t care

Actually I do

Because I thought we were here
Been through a lot over years

Never thought we’d be divided as we stand

Yet it’s the fall
In which you failed to grab my hand

Judgment is not what I’ve done
I see your fruits that are withered
From lack of the SON

You say you are hearing Him direct you
But your infertile ground affects you
That’s not Him guiding YOU

I’m not talking about a speck in your eye
And trying to disguise mine

Nor have I been where you’re at
If you were driving the wrong way,
I’d state the fact
I’m only trying to prevent an accident

Its either Hot or Cold Sweetie
That’s why warm and fuzzy
Doesn’t work for me

I know I come across strong and bold
Frequently stepping on toes
I’m sorry
My goal is to save your soul

So if you are mad at me because I hurt your heart
And that’s the best you can do to push us apart

Then I’ll take it with a grin
It’ll make you hear my big mouth
And think twice before you choose to sin

From my heart I love ya
Sincerely - some flippin friend

Since we’re both responding let’s limit it to these few with 3-5 sentence answers if possible, okay?

Do you remember your first thoughts/impressions when we first met in the 7th grade? What were they?

I think I thought you were some what strange. All the braids with different color rubber bands on each one was interesting. Oh yeah and the Mork and Mindy suspenders, wore with multi-colors striped pants. You had a lot going on and it got my attention.

I don’t remember “you” so much as the feeling of “you.” I remember, mostly, hearing you and noticing the sound of you; your loud voice, your fitful laughter. There was no escaping it!

When did you know we’d become best friends?

Honestly I don’t remember when we became best friends. I do remember being at your slumber party and having the time of my life.

You’re right . . . it was very subtle. But the moment my mom and dad purchased some kind of extra phone service that made calls to your home less expensive I knew we were on to something!

What is, though it’s hard to single out, the funniest moment shared between us?

There are so many funny moments - more funny than not. One of the unique things about our relationship is the laughter. But the funniest for me has to be our trip to Hawaii, and your pretending to faint. With a crowd gathering I made my way to you, laid hands on you saying “you’re healed” and you jumped up. We laughed for days, and your sister was appalled and embarrassed.

That was hilarious. I don’t think Sissy will ever completely forgive us . . . downtown Hawaii and I’m “seizing” on the cement. I’d do it again in a heartbeat! My funniest moment, like it really can be singled out, is when I was hosting my church’s talent show and I couldn’t even take the stage because I was laughing just looking at you in the audience. You weren’t doing a thing . . . just sitting there . . . and I could not stop laughing. Mom was soooooo mad. That’s what they get for letting a 12-year-old host a church function. Good grief.

What is the saddest/most difficult moment in the life of our friendship?

Sad and difficult; for me the two are different. The saddest moment for me was the look on your face when Marc admitted infidelity. The look on your face broke my heart. I was devastated for you and with you. The most difficult season for us was when I began exploring other religions and philosophies.

Hmmm. Okay, saddest. That’s also hard to single out. But, here recently, I’d have to say when you told me that Zion would have Downs. I felt your disappointment and wanted to shoulder it for you. I wanted to show up in a way that made it easier for you. I hope I did. And, on the most difficult moment I’d have to answer differently. I knew, with regards to God, that we’d eventually find the meeting place. I’d have to say it was more difficult for me when at 16 and I became pregnant and our lives went in two completely different directions. I thought I’d lose you. I’m so glad I was wrong.

What keeps us best friends?

I can’t really explain what keeps us friends. I will say our friendship is organic and easy. It always has been. You are one of the easiest people to love and be with. And we just seem to click and to get one another. Not many people can appreciate my off center humor, without being offended often, not you.

Here are the words that come to mind when I think of our friendship: acceptance, appreciation, ease, respect, transparency, support, encouragement, laughter, love, empathy, prayer, understanding, truth, willingness, covenant, sacredness. I love you.

How has this relationship affected yours with God?

This relationship is divine. Because of the nature of it and how we’ve grown, I believe in my heart God placed us here for one another. I would say I trust God more. Because of you I can be my full self without apology and that is the most wonderful gift God has given me - someone who sees me and loves me any way.

Really, even with our ups and downs, my relationship with you reminds me of all the good things in the world. You’ve been, for me, a consistent place of refuge, celebration, joy, and truth. You call my attention to that which is lovely, hopeful, and resilient. Those qualities are of the heart of God. I know He dwells in our midst.

If you could share any component of our relationship with the rest of the world, what would it be?

There are so many wonderful components, but what really makes my life better, is the honesty and acceptance. Being able to be our authentic selves with each other is priceless. And that includes all the laughter and foolishness one person can stand.

Yeah . . . cause you’re crazy.

Friendship, God Style by Pastor Sylvia Penny
Pastor Penny loves God, loves people and wears that love of her sleeve. And, here at My Goodness Magazine, we are grateful to call her friend.

Who but God can explain the ways of the heart? Sometimes friendships bloom over months or years. At other times, someone touches your heart almost instantly, and it seems like you have an authentic bond and an immediate friend, like the deep and abiding friendship between Jonathan (the son of Saul the King) and David. In this friendship, each life complemented the other. They had separate lives but inseparable bonds. (You can read their story in I Samuel Chapter 18.)

David and Jonathan had a covenant agreement, or a pledge, made by one another that created a contract through signs: sacrifices and a spoken commitment.

The truth is, I’ve had many friends over my lifetime, but I have never made a pledge the likes of David and Johathan. I’ve selected friends for basic reasons; we went to school together, got along well, attended the same church and shared belief systems, they too were singers or musicians, or because they stimulated me intellectually, made me laugh, and liked doing similar things.

However, I’d like to talk about the three elements of the covenant friendship between Jonathan and David.

1. Signs: Jonathan demonstrated his covenant oath to David by giving him,
his robe, his tunic and his weapons. Jonathan’s robe and tunic represented his inheritance. Jonathan’s weapons were for his protection - his sword, his bow and his belt. He gave all he had to David, indicating that he would always protect his friend. Jonathan knew his father hated David, and even though he loved his father, he knew his friend was loyal and that he was a man after God’s own heart.

2. Sacrifices: Jonathan’s sacrifices were his future, as the next heir to the throne. His protection of David said that he would serve and protect him with his life. “Greater love has no man, than to lay down his life for a friend.” So Jonathan’s actions implied that he was willing to die for David.

3. The Spoken Commitment: Jonathan’s understanding of David went beyond only a human understanding, but a spiritual understanding as well. He could see the call of God upon David’s life not just as king, but also for all of mankind. He could see God’s purpose for David’s life. In truth, Jonathan could see in David what David could not yet see in himself.

Women are emotional beings. I admire those who have friendships that have lasted through the years and still remain loyal to one another – friends who have weathered the storms together, those friends you can be yourself around and they are not critical of you, friends who grow with you emotionally, physically, intellectually and spiritually, and friends who remain with you regardless of your differences. We need friends who will sustain with us – even when life’s unexpected events change us. Do you have a friend who will remain there for you if you get critically ill, lose a limb, get divorced or if you are widowed? Do you have a friend who will stand for you when your prestigious position is taken from you or when you have come through public humiliation?

Friendships should be built on loyalty, commitment and deep love. Friendships should teach us acceptance without reservation, forgiveness without condemnation and pardon without probation. That’s what friends are for. Maybe there’s a friend who has shown you these attributes and you’ve been so busy that you haven’t told them how much you value them. Tell them today.

On the other hand, if there are friendships that have dissolved because you were lied on or experienced broken confidence and now you find yourself angry and holding a grudge, remember, there is no relief from this pain like repentance. Ask God to forgive you, then pray and do some forgiving yourself.

If you have a fallen friend, one who has pulled away from your circle of friends, pulled away from their church and even family members, please write them, call them, text them or email them. Remind them of how much you miss them, need them and love them. If they reject you, continue to pray for their return and their deliverance. Prayer changes things.

Wow, that hit home. I must now try to resolve some issues that may have stopped my commitment as a friend. I must mend some broken nets that friends I once loved have slipped through. I may have even failed them. Help me, Lord, to see my friends through your eyes and not mine. For my eyes show me problems, and your eyes show me solutions.

Pastor Sylvia Penny
The Sheeps’ Gate Ministry
email: thesheepsgate@yahoo.com