I See You

Posted on June 28, 2007
Filed Under Love, Trusting God, Fulfillment, Friendship, Transparency |

Several years ago, I interviewed a woman named Mae who lost over 150 pounds through exercise and diet. I found her a very dedicated woman who, after many years, decided it was time to put herself and her health first. There were many things about the interview that stood out, one of which was why she believed she ate excessively. To this question she answered that her mother being gay made her feel a great deal of shame and one of the ways she dealt with the shame was compulsive food consumption. The other topic I found intriguing me was how people related to her differently now that she’s a size 10 and 150 pounds lighter. Her answer opened a can of worms for me.

She explained that many of her friends commented she was over doing it: counting calories, preparing healthy meals, two hours of exercise daily. They simply thought she was doing too much. Her next comment got my attention. “When I was fat, and eating three Big Macs, and two super size fries, no one ever said I was over doing it. Not one friend ever said, “Mae do you think that’s too much food? Or have you considered cutting down on your food intake?” She didn’t make it mean anything, like they were jealous of her success; she simply noticed what and when they chose to question her behavior.

Honestly I’m not sure where I’m going with this line of thinking, but what comes up for me is how difficult it is to be lovingly and authentically confronting. When someone we love is doing something that isn’t obviously harmful, like drugs or alcohol, but equally fatal over a long period of time, like overeating, compulsive shopping, etc., how can we tell them the truth? It is possible Mae’s friends felt safe questioning about her exercise and diet regiment. After having witnessed her loose so much weight they may have felt she had achieved her goal and now she could relax a bit, chill out some and enjoy her new found body image. Or maybe her devotion to health and being better made them question their own level of commitment to themselves. Its possible they felt bad about themselves and just wanted her to stop, making them feel more comfortable about who they were being.

I have discovered speaking our truth, that’s right ‘our’ truth, to our friends can be deadly. I say ‘our’ truth because what is true for one person may not be true for another. I have foolishly opened my big mouth a number of times about the behavior of someone I love and I’ve learned that what I think doesn’t necessarily matter to someone else. Now I attempt to reserve my opinions for when I’m asked or if I thinking the person is doing harm to themselves or another. If you know me, you know it takes great discipline to keep my ‘truth’ about someone to myself. I’ve been bitten, burned, barked at, and banned for sharing and pushing others out of their comfort zones. Sometimes it’s been worth it, and most times I walk away thinking I wish I would have kept my #@!*%^ mouth closed.

On the other hand, I love when my girlfriends share their perspective about me, especially when it’s thoughtful and for the purpose of uplifting me. Sometimes I simply can’t see what they see and need another view. I believe one of the major purposes of friends and loved ones is to look out for our wellbeing, and that means being able and willing to say the hard things. It’s not as if we don’t know we’re making choices that will lead to pain, but when someone you love tells you they see you, we get a chance to be accountable. We know we can’t hide from ourselves or the person who is speaking up.

The benefit of friendships where we don’t have to censor ourselves is safety. Being safe in a relationship is priceless. It is wonderful to trust someone and be trusted enough to hear and speak the truth and know it will not change the love between you. And if it changes, it’s deeper and more unconditional.

When I was young I thought it was cool to have people envy you or want what you have. Now I know that was an immature and limited perspective. Today I’m grateful to have people in my life who I can be transparent with and vice versa. People I can be my crazy, non-spelling, opinionated, silly self with and still be loved. It’s one of the greatest things about my life.

Proverbs 27:9
Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart, and the pleasantness of one’s friend springs from her earnest counsel.

Do you have people in your life who really know you? People you take off the mask with and show your true self. People you give permission to witness the whole you. If the answer is yes, you are a very blessed person.

Peace and Blessings,

Monique Ruffin-James