A Perfect Container

Posted on March 25, 2007
Filed Under Uncategorized, Life |

My husband and I are quickly approaching our four-year anniversary. Wow! I had given up on getting married. At 35, I was the last of my core girlfriends to marry. I was just beginning to accept the single life, but that’s not the way life would have it, so come August we’ll be celebrating. Marriage is an amazing thing, a container for life in many ways. It is really nothing like I fantasized it would be. I believed marriage would cure my loneliness, confirm my worthiness, and make me feel loved in every way. In many ways it does some of those things, but not like I could have ever imagined.

Marriage, well my marriage, is an expression of reciprocity. It requires that I give of myself as much and sometimes more than I get for myself. It requires that I listen deeply, love unconditionally, and hope eternally for the best in every situation. Recently my husband and I have been given some really difficult circumstances to navigate. A few evenings ago, my brother-in-law called crying uncontrollably. When he came to our home, my husband discovered he had cut one of his wrists to the bone. My husband was devastated, angry, and confused as he snapped into Social Worker mode. He ordered me to stay calm and call 911. I did.

The next day my husband was drained and weary at best. I could see the fear and confusion in his eyes. We sat silent for a moment and then he began sharing a story from his childhood, which helped me understand his current state of mind. The man sitting in front of me was not my husband, but a wounded 12-year-old boy. My heart enveloped him. In that moment, I was grateful our marriage was a container for safety, emotional intimacy, growth, and healing. In his time of need, I was able to love enough to stand with, listen to, and nurture the wounded boy. But for the grace of God….

I never imagined marriage would create this in me. I get so much from my husband and can give even more, depending on the day. Thank God no one’s keeping score. The point is, I didn’t know this about marriage. And better still, I didn’t know this about me. That I could give in this way, be trusted in this way, or be loving in this way. The past three years or so have given me so much more than just having a “man”, not being lonely, or feelings of worth. Truthfully what I get in this relationship continues to give me to myself.

Peace and blessings
Monique Ruffin-James