What I Really Want

Posted on March 20, 2007
Filed Under Uncategorized, Spirituality, Life |

I’m starting to, here recently, get clear on some things. Really. For example, as I’m approaching the end of my contract at my current job, I realize that it’s not the job I’ll miss, but the money, the provision for myself and my family through it. While that may not sound revolutionary to you, it is for me. A few years ago the thought of losing a job that paid good money would have sent me into a panic, and I would have been desperate to keep it or manipulate circumstances to try and create “security” there. My understanding of “provision” would have been wrapped up and tangled completely in “the job” and not, well, God.

As I’ve been thinking about my current assignment concluding, my thoughts have been, wow, I’m going to really miss that weekly check not wow, I’m going to really miss my responsibilities or the challenge or my contribution or the job. Again, a few years ago I don’t know that I would have been able to make the distinction.

As I’ve intentioned to be more conscious of what’s real and true in my heart and mind about a thing (an accomplishment that I only ocassionally manage, mind you) I find myself closer to authenticity; both in feeling and experience. This “practice” has beckoned me to vulnerability and disclosure, with myself and my God. It removes the ease of “blaming” someone or something else for what I’m feeling, and places me in front of the proverbial mirror, side by side with God saying, “well, what are we going to do now?” The truth is, however, that I can’t even ask that question if I don’t know what I’m asking it about or regarding. “What am I going to do about losing this job?” or “how are you going to provide now?” are two completely different questions, don’t you think?

Ultimately, this is all about me and God . . . like every single thing else is. What do I really believe about Him when I’m my most naked, needy, and unsure self? Is He really generous? Caring? Patient? Powerful? Available? Wise? And, gulp, Good? And what if all those characteristics that we dare believe He really is doesn’t manifest themselves like we with our finite and flawed understanding think they should? Are they still true?

The answer is, yes. Why it’s yes, I don’t know. I just believe it is. Something deep within me calls me to that place of belief and faith . . . at all cost and against all odds, even taking into consideration this morning’s headlines.

So, what I’ve come to is this: the job is not my provision, God is. I don’t want this job, I want God to provide. That’s what I really want. I think it was David that said, “the Lord is my Shepherd . . . I don’t have a want.” Now, how He proves that He is my Shepherd, my Provider, my Source and Supply, well . . . we’ll just have to wait and see now won’t we?

2 Timothy 1:12

That is why I am suffering as I am. Yet this is no cause for shame, because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him until that day.

Eyes wide open,

Nicole Walters